The second round of chemo was the hardest so far. I was very sick to my stomach and ran a high fever for the first four days. I didn’t move an inch for at least the first two days. This treatment also brought on the hair loss. I knew I was going to lose my hair but actually going through the process was very hard. I would leave hair everywhere. When I took a shower my hair would come out in handfuls and clog the shower. It would get all over my towel, clothes, pillow, everything! I just wanted it all to fall out at once already but I wasn’t that lucky. I looked like a middle age bald man by the time my third treatment was here.
Not only was I sick and losing my hair, but my emotions where all over the place too. I was very depressed and I was crying a lot. Then my mother found out that she had ovarian cancer. Since we both carry the BRCA 2 gene my mother had her ovaries removed (to be on the safe side) and when the pathology report came back we were plagued again. It was now my turn to support someone going through the scary stages of cancer. She had to have surgery to stage her type of cancer and I was a mess trying to be there for her. I couldn’t believe this was happening to our family. Cancer was all I thought about and it was everywhere. I started to be consumed with the notion that I was going to get cancer everywhere and die. I was very depressed. I started to lack motivation to do anything and thought negatively about everything. I couldn’t find the positive and everyone was telling me my attitude was the determining factor in beating this crap. It has been the lowest point of this whole journey. Once my mother was staged I started to feel better. We found out she was stage 1 and needed chemo for six treatments every three weeks. It wasn’t ideal but it was doable.
Once I found out that my mom was going to be alright it was time for my third round of chemo. My aunt Debbie, Brian, and my good friend Jessica came to my third round of chemo. It was nice to have them all there to cheer me on and make me laugh. This whole experience has made me appreciate my family and friendships so much more. The third round wasn’t that bad. I was sick to my stomach but not for too long and my temp stayed around normal level. My hair fell out some more and now I’m bald. I have fuzzed blonde hair all around my head but I look bald. I’m used to it now but I’m so sick of wearing scarfs to cover my head. If I had a lot of confidence I would sport the bald look. I’m starting to feel more like myself this round. I haven’t been too tired, sad, or sick. I’ve been eating a lot of unhealthy food. I feel like I’m pregnant because I crave everything unhealthy and I can smell everything and anyone. I’m trying to get mentally prepared for the chemo treatments to end. In a weird way I’ve come to rely on chemo to make me cancer free. Knowing that I have chemo running through my body lets me relax about getting cancer somewhere else. A counselor I met told me that people who deal with cancer lose their innocence about their health. I feel that is absolutely true because once I stop getting chemo I’m scared my cancer will come back. This is where trust comes into play. I have to trust in God that whatever happens to my body is his will. I have to enjoy the “here and now” and not stress about the future and “what if’s”. This is a major mental challenge. I have to trick my brain into relaxing and enjoying life knowing that I could get cancer back anytime. Ugh…..major struggle but I can do it! I just hope cancer isn’t in the cards for me anymore.
